So many people have asked me what I want for a holiday present this year that I thought I should look at some of the Christmas catalogs and pick something affordable from each (I don’t want to financially stress you in these tough times.) So here goes:
1. Eddie Bauer. Look at the Snow Slinger on page 57. For only, $14.50, you can let me pack a perfect snowball without getting my hands wet, and throw it with good leverage.
2. National Geographic. Look at the metal detector on page 62. Sure, it’s for kids, but so what? It only costs $34.95. I will find that the first day (and pay you back).
3. Herrington. Herrington has a cupholder that has a separate pocket for your cellphone. It is only $10.95, and the worst that can happen is that I spill coffee on my cell phone. That’s not bad, is it?
4. TravelSmith. Look at page 4 at the Space Navigator. I simply enter my location and it gives me the location of the 66 brightest stars, as well as 56 constellations and 4 planets. It only costs $69 without the batteries. Please also send the batteries.
5. Acadia. This was a tough one, but I decided on the six little buddhas (made in China!!!), which are to bring health, luck, prosperity, etc. They say that six in an auspicious number. Only $29.95 (that is under $30)
6. Red Envelope. This was an easy one. For only $29.95, you can get me a hammer with the logo of the Washington Nationals on it. Perfect to attack the television set after another losing game.
7. Cuddledown. A toughie, but I selected the reading glasses with a “magnetic connect over the bridge of your nose”, whatever that means. I am sure it will help.
8. Lord & Taylor. They don’t have much that I want, but you can get me the Borghese set found on page 13. Why: Because it includes Effeto Immediato Soothing Tonic, Crema Straordinaria da Giorno SPF, Fluido Protettivo Spa Lift, Dolce Notte, Complesso Intensivo, Fango ACtive Mud and Crema Saponetta. Why do I want this? Because I don’t have ANY of them now.
9. Williams Sonoma. They have many expensive things, but I just want the $27.50 spatulas, because they can have my name on them, as long as I keep it under 24 letters, which I usually can do.
10. Lands End. Look at page 59, and get me a pair of the bright orange shoes for only $34.50. By the way, I need one right and one left.
11. Little Nine. Not much here, but get me the magnets on page 23, the ones that look like inverted bottlecaps and say things like karma, and balance and bliss.
12. Garnet Hill. The Nordic Pixie on page 6 is only $26. They say that if I put it on my window sill, it will enchant my holiday house.
13. Acorn. This may be the only place that I can get a coffee mug with the bill of rights printed on it. Only $22.95. Why so expensive? Because as you pour in your hot coffee, the text disappears. Just like real life, I guess.
14. Brookstone. So much neat stuff, but for $24.95, I can get a baseball that will record by radar my speed with every pitch I make. Before you do, though, find out how slow it will register.
15. REI. I don’t want you to spend too much here. I’d be satisfied with the zoo lights color morph carabiner, wouldn’t you? Only $7.50. OK, you might want to get me a couple.
16.Gaiam Living. They have a lot of nifty stuff, but I don’t think I want anything, but if you insist, I will take the 4-pack pest chaser, for $54, to keep mice away. It is harmless to non-rodents. Don’t worry, though, I will put a sign to warn the squirrels.
17. Vermont Country Store. OK, you are getting tired of all this. Just buy me a bozo bop bag. First time it’s available for 40 years. $19.95. Page 21.
18. Foods Across America. This is the last one, and they have a lot of tasty things that will send to your door. I’d like a Philly Cheesesteak Kit. Yes, a kit. I know it’s pricey ($74.95), but what the hell….